I’m currently obsessing over Fame by Adekunle Gold……
I was recently going through my instagram feed, then I came across this interview with Gabrielle Union by Jada Pinkette Smith where she talked about how much of a people pleaser she used to be, it just reminded me of my old self and how I was always trying to make everyone around me happy not minding if it costs me my own happiness. I always thought this would make me appear easy-going and likable. I was always trying to put a smile on everyone’s face, trying to be that perfect person they wanted me to be and I didn’t even realize I was losing myself while I was at it, saying no to people was a real big deal for me because I was scared of how they would feel. Not until the day I realized I’m not obligated to like anymore the same way no one is obligated to like me, you can’t force it, it’s something that is meant of happy naturally or over time.
The thing about being a people pleaser is that you just would never have a life of your own, you are always busy trying and thinking of ways to make everyone happy even if it costs you your own happiness. I figured the reason why I was always trying to please people was basically due to my fear of being alone , I had no confidence in myself that I could get things done and live without people, some saw it as a weakness and just kept on taking advantage of it until I changed. I made up my mind to stop saying yes to people at the expense of my own happiness. Honestly, trying to make people happy at the expense of yours, is a very bad idea, I mean there is no point jumping an ocean for someone who won’t even cross a puddle. I’m a firm believer of “one good turn deserves another”, please don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t mean that I wait on people to make me happy or do things for me before I reciprocate or I expect favors in return when I do, no!, that’s not it, all I’m saying is there is a huge happiness that comes with owning your own life and ability to say no to people when you have to especially when it would cost you your happiness. Self-care isn’t selfish and it’s ok to put you first. You should never allow anyone to take away your happiness or self-confidence while trying to please them. I have tried it a lot of times and it didn’t work. Learn to say no when you have to, you are not obligated to say yes to anyone.
Here are some few tips on how to stop being a people pleaser
- Stop seeking for validation from people: The thing about people pleaser is that they are always seeking validations from others and wait for others to make them happy. The best way is to figure out what makes you feel good and go for it. Engage yourself in things or activities that help you feel good and boost your self-confidence. The moment you feel good about yourself, you won’t feel the need to say yes anyone when you don’t or have to.
- Choose your own life: To stop pleasing people, you have to know that you have the right to say yes or no to people. Choose your own life, you are not obligated to anyone, you have a choice. The greatest changes begin when you look at yourself with interest and respect rather than waiting for others to do that for you.
- Don’t be so quick to making decisions. Whenever someone asks you for something, tell them you need to think about it, that would give you more time to make a good decision whether you are ok with saying yes to their request or not.
- Consider if saying yes to the person is really worth it.
- Set your priorities; decide the things that are important to you and the things that are not.
- Understand the importance of being authentic: you have to understand that we all different as individuals so it’s completely ok not to act in ways that people expect you to.
- Learn to let go: It’s very important to let go of certain things that people have said to you in the past that is made feel little about yourself and also let go of people who are making you feel worthless in one way or the other which is making you feel the need to please them.
- Realize that avoiding problems doesn’t promote growth: Most times, when we are faced with certain problems, we try everything in our power to get rid of it without giving it time and find appropriate solution to it. I used to be the type that always avoids problems or misunderstanding in relationships just to avoid fights or quarrel thereby always making me feel the need to please the other person. When we avoid our problems and try to get rid of them immediately rather than facing them, we only make things worse for ourselves in the future.
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